home.

so it's been a little while. i wish i could say that i've just been so productively busy that i haven't had time to update, but that's not entirely true. i have been busy, but i could've taken a little time to write...

on 18 march i had officially been in new zealand for a month. i realized that this should suggest that i was homesick, or at least missing the things i was used to. now, before my friends and family get all up in arms going 'oh, so you don't miss us?' i'm going to say yes, i do miss you. but really, the people i know and left are the only things that i miss. the people and food. i would kill for steak 'n' shake.

but despite missing my loved ones, my dog, and the crap food that i used to stuff myself with, i'm extremely happy. i had premonitions of being here, completely miserable and alone. i can't tell you how many times i would ask my mother 'do you think i'll make any friends?' yes, she did, and i am. slowly, but surely. in fact, this coming weekend i had my first encounter with conflicting plans. it felt good. i rarely had that happen in gainesville, let alone across the world. i've met some awesome people so far, whom i'm going to omit telling you about (at least for now), because there's not too much to say yet.

bu recently i had an epiphany. something universal, something not unique to myself, and probably pretty obvious to the majority of people on the planet: i've discovered what life can be, and i'm amazed. i hadn't realized it could be so full, so exciting.

life is sweet. life is fun. life is going to the beach and climbing on rocks, peering into tidal pools, and wading in the waves. life is dodging seaweed, and life is getting drenched. life is wearing wet jeans in the now-i-have-to-sit-in-these-for-the-next-five-hours way, and being absolutely fine with it. life is being on a cliff watching the moon rise to your left and the sun set on your right. life is discovery. life is almost being bounced from a pub because your florida driver's license is not an acceptable form of id anymore. life is going into a shop while it's sunny and coming out when it's raining (or maybe that's just auckland). life is fish and chips wrapped in paper. life is language barriers, even when you and whom you're talking to speak the same language. life leaves the windows open. life is being excited to get up in the morning.

i was scared, i was worried, i was anxious. i didn't know what to expect, i didn't know how i was going to feel. i was scared, deep down, that i was going to want to go home, and ache for it every second of the day.

i'm not scared anymore, though. after only a month, it's amazing to me just how easy it is to call this place home.

an introduction

 sorry in advance if this entry is a little boring. it's only to get readers acquainted with my situation. a little housekeeping, if you will.

i had a crisis: an internal crisis, wherein i realized i wasn't doing anything i was proud of.

i like Sarah Barielles, and on her latest album, in one of the songs, there is a lyric. it goes like this: "i'm not the girl that i intend to be. but i dare you darlin', just you wait and see..."

i don't know, it just struck a chord.

i am a permanent resident of new zealand, and have been coming here since i was eight, i think. i could be wrong, but i know it was around then. i love, love, love this country.

i used to live in florida where i attended a community college. nothing fancy, nothing special. i was a late bloomer in that i never knew what i wanted to do. i had a lot of talents and a lot of interests (fine arts, performing arts, music, english), but nothing that i wanted to settle on and really shape my education, and my career around. i changed my major 3 times in 3 years, and i'm honestly ashamed to admit that it took me that long to complete an associate's. it's only supposed to take two.

but there i was, it was the summer before my definite last semester. i think, in a way, i was trying to drag it on as long as i could because i wasn't ready to take that step to becoming an independent individual. i didn't live with my parents, but i lived in the same town, did my laundry at their house, and had dinner with them once (if not more than once) a week. my mother still paid for my cell phone.

in contrast, my three best friends were all on the fast track. one is a history major and will be graduating with a bachelor's, and then in another year, a master's. one is in costume design and will also be graduating with a bachelor's. the other is a nat. sci. major, and while she won't be graduating for awhile (because she was slow to get rolling, too) she at least knew what she wanted and took steps toward achieving it.

i felt like i needed to commit, like i needed to own up to something, to my life.

this wasn't a spur-of-the-moment idea. it took a lot of thinking, a lot of planning, a lot of learning. and now that it's come to fruition, i don't regret anything. i love this city, i love these people, i love how sophisticated i feel here. i love who i am in this country: self-reliant, self-motivating, pro-active. i've noticed a whole host of changes in myself already (good and bad), and am entirely certain that this is my track, the right track.

i'm a little bit scared, a little bit worried, and a little bit horrified. sometimes i look in the mirror and go 'what on earth have you done?' but i've only been here two and a half weeks, and i've already started to develop a routine.

so this blog is for me, for my friends in the states, for my mother, and for anyone in a new place, trying to find their way, or just needing a little reassurance. i moved 8,000 miles to find myself, and i'm still searching.

it's a start.